The Worst Nazi Rally Ever

I made my popcorn and settled in for the spectacle.

Never in my life had I witnessed an honest-to-goodness Nazi rally, except in dusty old newsreels. But this one? Streaming live, in color, and in English. I kept a German-English dictionary nearby—just in case.

Democrats set the stage perfectly. Kamala finally said something I could understand: Trump was a fascist. He would finally emerge from the shadows, literally following an infamous pre-war Nazi confab in the same building. Hillary Clinton, never one to fib, solemnly informed us that Trump was “actually reenacting the Madison Square Garden rally in 1939.” 

Historian and part-time psychic Tim Walz agreed: “There's a direct parallel to a big rally that happened in the mid 1930s at Madison Square Garden. And don't think that he doesn't know for one second exactly what they're doing there.” 

Why Madison Square Garden was the Nazi dog whistle confused me a bit. Bill Clinton accepted his party’s presidential nomination there in 1992. And pretty much every politician  – Eisenhower, JFK, Nixon, Carter, Bush – has held a rally there, along with four DNC and one RNC presidential conventions.

But maybe I was just overthinking things. Yes, I know about the whole “Beyonce’s going to sing for Kamala” fiasco, but I trusted Kamala, Tim, and Hillary. These were serious people; they wouldn't let me down.

The media confirmed it, of course, and my heart almost jumped when I caught the first glimpse of MSNBC’s Nazi footage interspersed into their news coverage. Yes! I’m still not sure how those powerful entities knew what would happen before the rally even started, but that must be why they’re the ones with money and power. 

Then came confusion when I saw Jews outside the venue. They weren’t screaming and protesting, but waiting to get in. And singing! 

Was this some type of Fifth Column sneaking in to take down the rally from the inside? I mean, after that whole exploding-pager-operation, you can’t trust anybody.

Inside, more Jews—happy ones—and Israeli flags waving proudly. “Just wait, Ken,” I told myself. “Maybe we’ll see a live pogrom, and those flags will be burned by the screaming crowd. Kind of like Harvard!”

Then, more weirdness, as the rally kicked off on the wrong jackboot. The National Anthem was belted out by a black woman. I frantically checked Twitter for anyone decoding how this could be a white supremacist signal. Disappointed at missing the hidden messages, I pledged to watch Rachael Maddow later to crack the code. I soon found myself whispering “4D chess, 4D chess” as I waited for the first speaker.  

And then, my confusion became disappointment. Rep. Elise Stefanik spoke first, and within five minutes she called Israel “our most precious ally” and complained about Kamala Harris not giving that ally proper support. W… T… F? Was this “Beyonce” all over again?

Quite frankly, it was all downhill from there. Where were the torch-lit processions? The synchronized goose stepping? Even one tiny "Heil Trump"? 

Some Indian fellow claimed that “identity politics never works in America,” and that selecting people because of their race and gender “always ends up being a disaster.” He even recycled that tired “content of their character” trope. 

Hulk Hogan was the only one to utter the N-word aloud, saying “I don't see no stinking Nazis in here.” Talk about a betrayal to the Aryan Brotherhood. I can’t even trust wrestlers anymore.

Tulsi Gabbard, Samoan and Hindu, read from the Declaration of Independence, something that certainly doesn’t appeal to the broader fascist community.

And while there were a lot of elbows thrown at Democrats, the speakers and the crowd seemed… happy. Even joyous. Even the “insult comic” was pretty mild. 

The whole event catered to normies. Trump and his crew talked about cheaper groceries, safer streets, and keeping us out of wars. You know, the usual, boring stuff. For anyone expecting a fascist spectacle, it was an epic letdown. Not a single torch was lit. Not one goose was stepped.

There aren’t many hills that I’ll die on, but this is one: It was the worst Nazi rally ever.

   — Ken