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Ted Tice's avatar

My white grandfather grew up in a time and place when people casually used the N-word to describe black people. One time he ordered a cup of coffee by asking a waitress for some "N-word sweat," which was a common term for coffee in his milieu. Right after he said it he noticed a black guy sitting not far from him, looking flustered and avoiding eye contact. My grandfather felt terrible, walked over and apologized to the guy for being an ignorant hillbilly, and from then on referred to black people as "colored" -- which itself would be widely considered offensive today.

I went to grade school with a sweet, non-verbal kid named Mandy who was "retarded." Her parents introduced her as such. As far as I can remember all the kids were kind to her and never bullied her, and we'd describe her as "retarded" in a non-disparaging way. However, we'd also jokingly refer to each other as "retards." When we used the word in reference to Mandy, we didn't mean any harm. But when we directed it at each other, we knew we were being mean.

In college, my black roommate and I would both use the N-word (ending in -a, not -er) when singing along to rap music. He never got onto my case because we were buddies and he knew I wasn't racist.

My point is that linguistic norms evolve, as Ken points out, and intentions matter. If an older person uses a word like "colored" or "retard" out of habit, I can't fault them for not keeping current on the latest norms. Yet I don't sympathize with people who consciously use an out-of-date word just to be provocative, edgy or contrarian.

Linguists call the process of neutral words gradually becoming offensive "pejoration." When the process flows in the opposite direction (like with "queer") it's called "amelioration." New York Times columnist John McWhorter writes a lot of smart, refreshingly non-woke columns about issues like this. Check him out.

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